Forsaken

On April 28, 2018, I thought my husband would leave me. My best friend, my confidant, the person who vowed to love me forever. I thought our tender marriage would not survive a secret I kept. If my mother and father could forsake me, why wouldn’t he, right?

Leading up to this day, I cooked every day he was home. I smothered him with love. I wanted to enjoy my last week of being married to the man of my dreams. All he knew was that therapy was scheduled for Saturday.

I couldn’t wait to be alone and let myself fall apart. I prayed. I yelled. I cried. I cursed at God. I didn’t understand how life could be so unfair. How God could be so unfair. I had a crappy childhood and He owed me.

I was supposed to live happily ever after. I was supposed to feel safe and peaceful in my own home. I felt cheated out of my fairytale.

I planned out what items I would pack first and found a temporary home (Thank you JJ and Marcos for the open arms).

After long talks, I finally made peace with God and promised I would praise him amid a divorce.

My counselor Jonette called me into the room first and I told her I was ready to let Tallon know. She brought him inside and he sat next to me with his arm around me.

J: Do you know why Sonia has been coming to counseling?

T: Yes, she explained to me she was molested by a cousin.

J: That is true but there’s more. Sonia?

S: [insert long story omitting the main point]

J: Just to clarify, it was her father too.

My heart shattered when I heard those words. A stab on fresh wounds. Those same feelings of betrayal, loneliness, and despair I felt at 15 came back to haunt me.
I wanted a sinkhole to take me under at that moment.

 I was waiting for Tallon to take his arm off of me, but instead he leaned closer.

We were instructed to not speak on the subject and instead do something exciting. Of course, he had questions. How? When? Why? How could he? Who knows? But he patiently waited until I was ready to bring it up again.

I can’t be more thankful for Tallon and the way he chooses me every single day. There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t remind me that I am loved. And when doesn’t have the words to say but he leads me to Christ because He always does.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t speak up before, read my first blog post. Speaking up doesn’t usually go well for victims.

I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted to take this secret to the grave. But that quickly changed when we started discussing having children.

I must admit some days I do struggle to believe he will not run out on me. It’s hard to believe someone else can love me this much despite being disposable to my mother. And on those days I lean on God.

He will never leave me. He fights for me. He renews my strength. He is my refuge. My strong tower. My comfort.

& He will never leave me nor forsake me.

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