Days like today are hard. My baby girl has been sick. There’s been a lot of crying and cuddling. It makes me miss my mom terribly. My mom was the best helper to new moms. I saw her go above and beyond for others. Everyone wants to “help” moms by holding and feeding the babies. My mom held the babies, cooked, and cleaned for the new moms. She was the perfect helper and would have been the best grandmother.
I feel like I’m missing out. I’m missing out on that help. The homemade food, the clean home, the vent sessions. The comfort that moms give their children.
Days like today I tell myself my mom died. Christianity tells me to hold on to hope and that God can change people. But days like today I just cry and tell myself not to call the person on my phone whose name is “Do not answer”. Which should be changed to “Do not call”. She’ll never call. Never has and never will.
I try my best to quiet my mind and feelings of hopelessness. But days like today its hard.
Over a year ago on our last conversation I told her I was alone and that I needed her. I practically begged her to leave my abuser. She said she too was alone without help when I was a baby. That hurt. She knows how it feels to be alone on your hard days and still she lied to me and said I did not need her.
I think I will always have a need for my mother. But each day it gets easier and easier to live without her.
How do you forget someone who has betrayed and abandoned you time and time again, yet you love unconditionally?